Denial and Other Waters, part 3

 Streams, reservoirs, lakes, rivers....these are a few of my favorite things!

As I scroll through pictures to show others a few things from my life over the last couple of years, my response to this picture is "this is me and the St. Lawrence river...the only body of water I didn't swim in on that trip." I know that I will return to that river and swim in it. I have to because, in my very bones now, I am a swimmer. (Disclaimer: this does not mean that I am fast nor does it mean that I can do anything beyond the basic freestyle-crawl move!)

This is a fairly recent development. Until 3 years ago, I would casually swim as a low-impact option for cardio exercise. I didn't crave it and I didn't even really enjoy it until I started swimming outdoors (another aside that I will write more about in the coming weeks and months is that during the pandemic, I became a triathlete!).

Pool swimming was definitely my comfort zone. Growing up in New Mexico, I joke that I had only swam in open water 3 times in my life. "You can't see the bottom!!! Where are the lines? What is that rubbing up against my legs?" So many potential dangers just below the surface of the water.

I am really good at denial. I refuse to admit the truth sometimes. This can work in my favor when I am approaching different waters in which I might want to swim. My aunt Becky joked about becoming shark food as I put on my wet suit on Monday, January 31 for a nice swim in the Atlantic Ocean at the Jacksonville Beach. Sharks are real and there have been shark attacks in those waters. But, no I have to swim in that water! No matter that it is 63 degrees and all the locals have on their snow boots and puffy coats. No matter that it will not be a full mile swim that I am used to. No matter all the potential risks and challenges. I did not "feel" afraid. I told myself that the swimmer in me would be angry if I didn't do what swimmer do....swim! (More on cold exposure in upcoming posts)

Denial does not always work in my favor. Sometimes it is just stupid! Sometimes it is what I do to protect myself from harsh realities with which I just do not want to deal. But if it is true that reality is what you run into when you are wrong, it helps to come face to face with truth even when it hurts.

At the core, though, I am most fundamentally a daughter of the King of the universe. I have been created, redeemed, and given a joyful present and future by God. So many of the labels that we use for ourselves do not get at the core of who we really are. For instance, I may call myself a swimmer nowadays, but what if I injure myself and am no longer able to swim? It is an aspect of my life and something I very much enjoy, but I would not cease to be me if I were not able to swim. 

It could be that some of us at least some of time struggle to anchor our lives in our real identity. I live in denial as a way of remaining in control. Letting go of all the partial definitions of who I am requires a fixed gaze on the true me as seen through the eyes of My Heavenly Father.

I no longer need to swim in the waters of denial if I am "hidden with Christ in God" (Colossians 3) as the apostle Paul writes. In the New Testament, there are 164 times that the words "in Christ" or "Christ in me" are used. I can trust that this is my true identity.