Self-knowledge must never be abandoned

St. Teresa of Avila says:  "This path of self knowledge must never be abandoned, nor is there on this journey a soul so much a giant that it has no need to return often to the stage of an infant and a suckling....Along this path of prayer, self knowledge and the thought of one's sins is the bread with which all palates must be fed no matter how delicate they may be;  they cannot be sustained without this bread"

This may sound sort of twisted, but it is true.  We cannot pretend to be better than we are.  As you and I come face to face with the messiness that within us, there is nowhere else for us to go but the throne of grace.  Not turning these things over to God will ultimately make our lives all the more messy.  Yet, if we are brave enough, when we confess, we are fed.  It is only when we come forward with honesty that we find our Heavenly Father who is open-armed.  If we pretend that there is nothing wrong with us then we will not know His embrace.  We will not hear these words of truth:  "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." (Psalm 103:8)

C.S. Lewis says:  "lay before Him what is in us, not what ought to be in us."

Actual Life

This blog has been around for eight years.  It's hard to believe how time flies.  This time of year always demands an increase in evaluation.  As pastors know, January is premium time to retreat as I had the practice of doing for many years.  Part of my retreat would include some sort of self-examination.  There is some discomfort in this practice, that is if you really hold your life before God and ask his search light to reveal the mess and the marvels of life.  This kind of self-examination because of its intensity will result in real confession.  Yet, there are periods in our lives when we say with the Psalmist: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.  See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting"(Psalm 139:23-24) and after entering into this prayer, we find something similar to an internal fire alarm sounding.  Though we think we want to confess, we are scared to death to face to face with the caverns and crevices of sin soaked garbage and filth that hides most of the time.  These hidden sins ooze out in unguarded moments when our tact meter is not fully functioning. 

This post is a form of confession.  Pretending is what I have done so often.  It has become a habit.  What will God find as I offer my heart to Him for examination?  What uncomfortable truth have I been pretending doesn't exist? 

One reality that I'm living with is that I no longer am a pastor.  I do not have pastoral charge over a congregation. (I do preach in a variety of country churches in our area about twice a month.)  One of my defining "identities" has slipped away.  This fact still grieves me after two years of having taken a leave of absence.  I must confess that this is part of my woundedness. 

I have decided to retitle this blog to match my actual life and not my previous life.  Do not worry!  I am not going to change it back if I so happen to be lead by God back into pastoring again.  My identity is more firmly in God now and very loosely in a title, job, or occupation.