One cat, one dog, and three rodents

It is spring break so most of my neighbors are in exotic locations: Florida, North Carolina, Tennessee or Illinois. I have been here finishing a project and by default, became responsible for pet sitting. I rather enjoy it really. There is no glamour in it, though. Yesterday, I put my hand through the hole in order to feed the rodents. One of them darted for the opening and startled me half to death. I spilled their food and made it out alive. The rodent did not escape. Mission accomplished.

I’m willing to provide for these various animals because I realize the value of doing small gestures of love for my neighbors. I show up because I can do the job and I am willing to do it.

There are times when I have to say “no” to requests. I may be able to do the job, however it may not be mine to do. There may be other, more glamorous jobs, that I have to decline. Recently, I’ve been talking to God a lot about this. In many decisions, big and small, I am learning how to be a good steward of my time and of my influence. It is no mystery why Jesus gives us that teaching about allowing our “yes” to be “yes” and our “no” to be “no” (Matthew 5:37).

Perhaps, left to our own devices, we would never face this perennial challenge of our own dominion. It is at the basic level of what it means to be human. Male and female were made in the image of God. We are told that we have a say. We have dominion. We are in charge of stuff. We have a realm of influence. Furthermore, when we acknowledge this and realize that we need help, God is more than happy to give us his presence and power (Philippians 4:13). Strength does not come from one’s body necessarily, but from God. Indeed, when ordinary men and women embody the power and presence of God in their everyday experiences, the extraordinary happens.

A few days ago, I had a unique opportunity to worship at a historic black church in my area. “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…hide it under a bush, oh, no, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine let it shine.” The words of the song were sung by young and old, black and white, male and female. There is real power in seeing our own power. In terms of social power, the little three year old girl sitting in front of me had very little, yet, when she needed to go to the restroom, she used the power of her voice to communicate her need. She has a voice and she has the ability to shine.

This journey with God has showed me how much influence I have. I am challenged every day to partner with God and become a better steward of my influence. This very popular phrase “man-up” is one that I am re-considering. Men and women alike need God's power to use influence in a way that is good. Now, I am giving all those around me the charge to recognize how much influence you really have. God has given us a powerful imperative. It is a recommendation or maybe even a command given to all of my friends who may feel like they have very little spheres of influence. It is tempting to buy that lie. However, you must resist it as being just that. You have great power and great influence. Now, it is your time, my sisters, to “woman-up” and claim your place in your everyday life. You have the ability to shine.    

Plunging and Praying

My left hand found the plunger without looking and in no time the task was complete.  The stuff in the toilet had been there a while and, having had no success at plunging it herself, a teenage girl became desperate enough to call on the dorm parent.  “Mrs. M-P the toilet is clogged again.”  I reply, “of course it is, I’ll be right there.”  I have been a dorm parent for three years and have plunged more than a few times a week.  Nowadays, I am also serving as pastor along with being a dorm dean. The request for my expert plunging always serves as a call to prayer. My husband, Will, calls this routine plunging and praying.  My prayer comes out in the form of singing.  10,000 Reasons, by Matt Redman, is my most frequent praying and plunging song.  It is loosely based on Psalm 103 which states:

“Bless the Lord, O my soul,

   and all that is within me,

   bless his holy name.

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

  and do not forget all his benefits –

who forgives all your iniquity,

who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the Pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good as long as you live

So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

It is as though the Psalmist is coaching or singing to himself.  How often our own souls need coaching! Remembering God and all of God’s good actions toward us, with us, and in us, we reconnect with what is supremely true.  This re-rooting the soul is the best kind of coaching that we can do for ourselves.    

The sight and smell of a clogged toilet is a reminder that life can stink.  Pain, frustration, and chaos cannot be avoided.  However, in each mess that I encounter, I hear the invitation of One who entered the mess of humanity to bring hope and healing.  The stuff in the toilet is going to pass. The mess is not ultimate. So, I've decided to face this particular mess with prayer because on my own, “blessing” seems far from clogged toilets. When I re-root and claim the truth in the midst of the mess through my praying and plunging, I am partnering with God. I remember and claim once more the most real and unchanging truth about my life.  It is God.  It is God’s abundant goodness and kindness to me and to all of us that sustains us.  At the end of the day, regardless of the stinky mess, I can sing praise to a God who is intimately present in all of life.

Life in the Kingdom of God is like ordering and eating a hoagie

While my classmates were musing about how there seems to be a disconnection between what people who claim to be Christians say that they believe and what they actually practice in reality, I decided to raise my hand and weigh in with my two cents.

Instead of two cents, a comparison came out that, in the end, turned out to be a fairly accurate evaluation (in my opinion!) of the malaise, the non-active, life that some live.

It is like a hoagie.  Say you go to a restaurant and you are with your friend.  The friend asks what you will order and you say a hoagie.  The menu depicts a scrumptious heap of meat, onion, peppers, cheese, and tomatoes atop a thick roll.  It looks good.  The friend assumes that you had the hoagie before since your recommended it to him or her.  Both you and your friends get these scrumptious looking hoagies delivered right to you in moments.  Your friend waits for you to begin, but you are stunned.  You just recommended and ordered something you have no intention of eating. 

If a scrumptious hoagie is set in front of you, you eat it, right?  It could be said that those who claim to believe and yet have never really practiced walking with Jesus is the person who orders and perhaps recommends something (the belief without serious intention to follow) without having any real experiential knowledge of it.  A lot of people “order” or say that they “believe” in Jesus, but the truth of the matter is that a lot of those same people have not seriously intended to ingest His way so that it becomes their way.  Imagine the hoagie sitting there and after a while it no longer looks scrumptious.  Because hoagies are made and ordered so that they can be incorporated into your body…making the substance of the meat, veggies, and bread real to you.

What would it take to convince us that it is worth it?  Why isn't God’s reality and God’s goodness the most real reality of our lives? 

Do you and I see in Jesus (and God, the Father), One who is worth going after like a pearl merchant who had searched all of his life for that one pearl and finally, finding it, thought it nothing to sell all that he had in order to go and buy that one?

(read Jesus’ parable of the kingdom in Matthew 13)  

The Kingdom of God is like kudzu

Jesus always spoke of stuff that was right at his fingertips and along my journey through the kudzu on the trail this last fall, I had the notion that if Jesus was taking the trail with me he might have been using the kudzu to teach me a lesson about living in the kingdom of God.

Those of you who do not live in the south may not realize that this thing called kudzu was introduced here about 50 years in order take care of some environmental problem.  Since then, it has covered every possible vacant spot and it continues to grow.  It grows by runners which means that it is all connected.  Think about it this way:  this deciduous monstrous plant has spread to cover multiple states (Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, South Carolina, Kentucky, ect...you get the idea) and now is thought by some experts to be the largest organism on our planet.

Here is my mock parable and thanks to Shiny Samuel there are a couple of pictures for you to enjoy.

The Kingdom and Kudzu

The kingdom of God is like kudzu

          strong

                   sturdy

                             steady

          beautiful

                   bold  

                             bursting with flowers

          treasured by some

                   total annoyance to others

                             taste and see, is it good?

          hides at times

                   huddling from view

                             how do we perceive it in winter time?

          inviting

                   inhaling

                             ingesting

          dancing

                   delighting

                             daily

Learning to live in the Kingdom of God...part 2, "Possibility of Joy"

An interesting thing happens when one has a blog that sits dormant for over a year!  As I reconsidered reviving-resurrecting it from dormant status, I re-read some of my posts.  Interestingly, one of my most recent posts was an excerpt from St. Teresa of Avila.  At that time I was reading the portion that is including in the Foster and Smith's compilation of Devotional Classics.  The Interior Castle truly does fit into the category of "classic" and now that I have read it in its entirety, I noticed that even Foster and Smith comment about it being a difficult read.  I'm relieved that I have read and processed (notice that I didn't say I necessarily understood or have fully experienced) the content.  Several parts of it ring true for me and I wanted to share them within the context of this series of blogs about "learning to live in the Kingdom of God."

• sin is poisonous (eating nasty burritos out of the alley garbage can will result in bad health), yet when one is only used to sin, when sin has become habitual, we become what we hate (Psalm 115:  those who make idols, treasure them and eventually become like them).
• grace allows us to see who we are (belonging to God and having an eternal destiny as one who radiant in His Kingdom) and what we have become (consuming so many nasty burritos that we become a nasty burrito of self-rule).
• progress is ongoing and is ever God's doing when we are in relationship with Him, in humility we grow in self-knowledge which in turn increases our gratitude, humility, peace and joy.
• one can actually get glimpses of progress, especially in hindsight, (for instance, at one point in time, one might have been in denial that nasty burritos are indeed NASTY, and having such a fondness for them and such thick denial not be able to see reality that is obviously present)
• one may be able to see the fruit of progress in the form of loving others especially those who are difficult to love or in freedom and in self-forgetfulness
• union with God brings great joy...bliss!

Prayer:  God, thanks for giving us grace upon grace!  We do not deserve it and cannot even fathom the depth, length  breadth  and height of it.  You are incredible and we want to abandon all to you so we look to Jesus to show us how.  Please teach us and slowly because we are slow and some of life's greatest lessons can only be learned slowly.

Learning to live in the Kingdom of God....part 1, "John 2 or half eaten burritos of self-rule"

It took me a long while to convince him that those deep fat fried burritos from the convenience stores were really NASTY!  Like other foods that are consumed mostly for their convenience (processed cheese food, french fries, canned ham, etc...), they contain no or very little real food.  This is my argument:  "It may taste good, but it is not satisfying and not nutritious."  Will, the to whom I am married, and me on occasion will eat such things and when we do, it is always with full awareness.  "Do you want some mechanically separated chicken parts, or a nasty burrito...?" we say.

Contrasting these NOT real food is the fine fare that is served at banquets, fine restaurants  and weddings.  While reading John 2 and encountering Jesus at a wedding in Cana a thought occurred to me.  Jesus just showed up and with Him the reality of the kingdom of God.  Anything is possible (water turning into wine) where Jesus is and those who choose to be with Him, watching Him, in relationship with Him will always have their needs met.  Life with Him is nutritious and satisfying.  Here is a little of Psalm 145, the message paraphrase, which paints such a beautiful picture of life in the Kingdom of God:        

Your kingdom is a kingdom eternal;    

     you never get voted out of office.

    

God always does what he says,

     and is gracious in everything he does.

    

God gives a hand to those down on their luck,

     gives a fresh start to those ready to quit.

All eyes are on you, expectant;

       you give them their meals on time.

Generous to a fault,

  

       you lavish your favor on all creatures.

Everything God does is right—

 

    

     the trademark on all his works is love.

God’s there, listening for all who pray,

       for all who pray and mean it.

So the question would remain, why are you and I sometimes slow to choose that which is satisfying (living in the Kingdom of God) and that which is nutritious (the lavishness of His love and way for us)?  In my honest moments, when I'm telling the truth to myself and to God, I have to admit that one little thing that keeps me from remaining satisfied with nutritious food is this pesky remaining chunk of pride.  It is wanting to be in charge of my own life...wanting to do things my way!  Surrendering and relying on Jesus does feel like work sometime. There are days when it is such a battle because on one hand I want to see God's abundance and live in it (feasting at the wedding with fine wine) and yet there is this part of me that seems to be rummaging through the back alley garbage dumpster thinking that the half eaten burrito of self rule is somehow tastier?!

The words of Mary in John 2:5 encapsulate surrender and this is my prayer:  "do whatever Jesus says!"  Yes,  may it be your way, Jesus, my guide, teacher, Savior, and King.

"Rules" for living in community

Those who have chosen to live in community frequently develop a "rule."  This document outlines what it looks like to live in community with others and what each person commits to as he or she is deciding to join the community.  St. Benedict's rule is fascinating.  It says that a person wanting to join the community can be left on the steps for up to a week being given a little bit of food here and there.  Imagine getting the idea you may want to join a Benedictine community, walking there with only a bag slung over your shoulder, and knocking on the massive door of the monastery.  "Do you want to be a Benedictine?" the person says.  You reply, "yes, of course, that is why I came."  The person slams the door and says "you are not ready, but you can wait there until you are ready, if you wish."  The next day, someone throws you a scrap of bread and a similar conversation happens.  The Benedictines figured that only those who REALLY want to be Benedictines would suffer in body and spirit in this way. 

Living in community takes humility.  "Rules" and obedience in deference to others is not popular even among those who claim to walk in the way of Jesus.  Perhaps even for some (I'm in this category) who REALLY want to live in community, who really want to be obedient, who really desire to stand in God's presence in the company of others, actually doing it means letting go.  It means that body, mind and heart are disciplined. 

My daily experience is that of being humbled.  Will I walk in the way of Jesus and accept the humbling with Jesus? 

"Let all of you then live together in oneness of mind and heart, mutually honoring in yourselves the God whose temples you have become."  from the Rule of St. Augustine found on http://www.midwestaugustinians.org/prayerrule.html.  The Augustinian heritage quiz is fairly easy.  My new found humility prevents me from telling you my score

Hands

St. Augustine says:  "God gives where he finds empty hands."  I searched for an appropraite "cupped hands" photo on microsoft free clip art site and the majority of the picutres were of communion cups or coffee cups. I also modified my new "wounded hearts beholding God" (blog title) from St. Augustine.  He had a profound appreciation for confession and I have found his work entitled just that to be refreshing.  There is no pretense or pretending with him.  The empty hand image is one I like very much and often as I pray my palms will be open and lifted slightly up.  As to speak to God even with my body language that I want nothing more than to sit and receive.

Self-knowledge must never be abandoned

St. Teresa of Avila says:  "This path of self knowledge must never be abandoned, nor is there on this journey a soul so much a giant that it has no need to return often to the stage of an infant and a suckling....Along this path of prayer, self knowledge and the thought of one's sins is the bread with which all palates must be fed no matter how delicate they may be;  they cannot be sustained without this bread"

This may sound sort of twisted, but it is true.  We cannot pretend to be better than we are.  As you and I come face to face with the messiness that within us, there is nowhere else for us to go but the throne of grace.  Not turning these things over to God will ultimately make our lives all the more messy.  Yet, if we are brave enough, when we confess, we are fed.  It is only when we come forward with honesty that we find our Heavenly Father who is open-armed.  If we pretend that there is nothing wrong with us then we will not know His embrace.  We will not hear these words of truth:  "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love." (Psalm 103:8)

C.S. Lewis says:  "lay before Him what is in us, not what ought to be in us."

Actual Life

This blog has been around for eight years.  It's hard to believe how time flies.  This time of year always demands an increase in evaluation.  As pastors know, January is premium time to retreat as I had the practice of doing for many years.  Part of my retreat would include some sort of self-examination.  There is some discomfort in this practice, that is if you really hold your life before God and ask his search light to reveal the mess and the marvels of life.  This kind of self-examination because of its intensity will result in real confession.  Yet, there are periods in our lives when we say with the Psalmist: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.  See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting"(Psalm 139:23-24) and after entering into this prayer, we find something similar to an internal fire alarm sounding.  Though we think we want to confess, we are scared to death to face to face with the caverns and crevices of sin soaked garbage and filth that hides most of the time.  These hidden sins ooze out in unguarded moments when our tact meter is not fully functioning. 

This post is a form of confession.  Pretending is what I have done so often.  It has become a habit.  What will God find as I offer my heart to Him for examination?  What uncomfortable truth have I been pretending doesn't exist? 

One reality that I'm living with is that I no longer am a pastor.  I do not have pastoral charge over a congregation. (I do preach in a variety of country churches in our area about twice a month.)  One of my defining "identities" has slipped away.  This fact still grieves me after two years of having taken a leave of absence.  I must confess that this is part of my woundedness. 

I have decided to retitle this blog to match my actual life and not my previous life.  Do not worry!  I am not going to change it back if I so happen to be lead by God back into pastoring again.  My identity is more firmly in God now and very loosely in a title, job, or occupation.    

Youth is renewed

G.K. Chesterton's idea about God's creativity has captured my imagination. Creation is God's repeated action of goodness. It is a routine God has in order to bless us. Chesterton compares God to children when they find a particular game or joke that they like they say, "do it again," until the grown up is exhausted of it. He goes on to say that perhaps it is because "grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, 'do it again' to the sun; and every evening, 'do it again' to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God made every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we...Heaven may encore...."

Now standing in a pile of yellow, brown, orange crumpled leaves, I look up and see all of the sky. I hear the gees squawk and feel the gusting of the chilly air. The clap of the falling leaves make me think that God is encoring. The turning of the seasons never grows monotonous for me. Sometimes I need reminding that patterns and routines can be enjoyed. God invites us into routines as we live in relationship with Him and sometimes it may seem sort of chaotic and other times may seem very monotonous. Yet, God is always creating and re-creating us from the inside out. It is his routine to create and bless and He never gets tired of it.

Weariness and aging happens as we turn away from God's creating and recreating in us. We turn grumpy and resentful when we do not ask for God's energy and vitality for our day to day living. If we do not invite God, we will "turn old" before our time.

God offers us a renewed, energy giving, life sustaining source that is never exhausted:
"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and do not forget all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good as long as you live.
So that your youth is renewed like the eagles. (Psalm 103:1-5)

Morning and Evening Prayer (John Ballie)

The prayers below are just a sampling from John Baillie (A Diary of Private Prayer). They have touched my heart and I would like to share them with you.

Morning Prayer
"O God my creator and redeemer, I may not go forth today except You accompany me with your blessing. Let not the vigor and freshness of the morning, or the glow of good health, or the present prosperity of my undertakings, deceive me into a false reliance upon my own strength. All the good gifts have come to me from you. They were yours to give and they are yours also to curtail. They are not mine to keep; I do but hold them in trust; and only in continued dependence upon you, the giver, can they be worthily enjoyed.

Let me then put back into Your hand all that you have given me, rededicating to your service all the powers of my mind and body, all my worldly goods, all my influence with others. All these, O Father, are Yours to use as you will. All these are Yours, O Christ. Al these are Yours, O Holy Spirit. Speak in my words today, think in my thoughts today and work in all my deeds. And seeing that it is Your gracious will to make even of such weak human instruments in the fulfillment of Your mighty purpose in the world, let my life today be the channel through which some little portion of your divine love and pity may reach the lives that are nearest to my own.

In Your solemn presence, O God, I remember all my friends and neighbors, my fellow townsfolk, and especially the poor within our gates beseeching You that You would give me grace, so fare as in me lies, to serve them in Your name. Amen.


Evening Prayer
"O Thou who art from everlasting to everlasting, I would turn my thoughts to Thee as the hours of darkness and of sleep begin. O Son of my soul, I rejoice to know that all night I shall be under the unsleeping eye of One who dwells in eternal light.

To thy care, O Father, I would now commend my body and my soul. All day Thou has watched over me and Thy companionship has filled my heart with peace. Let me not go through any part of this night unaccompanied by Thee.

Give me sound and refreshing sleep.
Give me safety from all perils.
Give me in my sleep freedom from restless dreams.
Give me control of my thoughts, if I should lie awake.
Give me wisdom to remember that the night was made for sleeping, and not for the harbouring of anxious or fretful or shameful thoughts.
Give me grace, if as I lie abed I think at all, to think upon Thee.

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips; when I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches.

To Thy care also, O Father, I would commend my friends, beseeching Thee to keep them safe in soul and body, and to be present to their hearts to-night as a spirit of power and of joy and of restfulness. I pray also for the wider circle of all my associates, my fellow workers, my fellow townsmen and all strangers within our gates; and the great world of men without, to me foreign and unknown, but dear to Thee; through Jesus Christ our common Lord. Amen."

A prayer that I clipped and saved from somewhere!?

"O Lord my God, to you and your service I devote myself, body, soul and spirit. Fill my memory with the record of your might works; enlighten my understanding with the light of your Holy Spirit; and may all the desires of my heart and will center in what you would have me do. Make me an instrument of your salvation for the people entrusted to my care, and let me by my life and speaking set forth your true and living Word. Be always with me in carrying out the duties of my salvation; in praises heighten my love and gratitude, in speaking of You give me readiness of thought and expression, and grant that, by the clearness and brightness of your holy Word, all the world may be drawn to your blessed kingdom. All this I ask for the sake of your Son my Savior Jesus Christ. Amen"

Enjoying the evening breeze

I enjoy imagining life as it was in the garden of Eden. The intricate beauty of butterflies, hydrangeas, and elephants would have been wondrously new. The creating God was delighted that all created things were good and served good purposes. I wonder also if the prophet Isaiah’s vision of the lamb and lion laying down together occurred in those beginning days as well. How I would love to see rottweilers and yorkies play together! Imagining a chihuahua and a pit bull mix playing in the grass together brings delight to my heart. How I would love it if the squirrels and the birds could graciously co-exist without there being any bullying!

It seems like this is the way that God intended life to be. Everything and everyone receiving their very life-breath from God. Everyone enjoying their evening stroll with God through the garden in the early evening. This is the kind of life for which all of us were made.

This doesn’t seem to be the reality for most people, even those who claim to be Christian. God delighted in His creation and set out one simple restriction for the humans that would inhabit the garden. The simple restriction was to enjoy all of the other fruits, just not that one. Soon enough, as Genesis 3 depicts, humans doubted God’s goodness and faithfulness to them. Both the man and woman ate the fruit from that one tree. They turned from God and hid from his presence. God had promised them that the consequence of eating that particular fruit was death. That very day, they suffered the loss of their relationship with God. They were now running and hiding from God and not fit to walk and talk with God in the cool evening.

Human beings were once alive to God. They were created to be responsive to and interactive with him. Adam and Eve lived in a conversational relationship with their Creator, daily renewed. When they mistrusted God and disobeyed him, that cut them off from the realm of the Spirit. Thus they became dead in relation to it… (Willard, Hearing God, 150)

Scripture describes two types of life: physical life and spiritual life. Obviously, Adam and Eve did not suffer physical death that day. They doubted, ate the fruit, and spiritual death was the result just as God had promised. Evidence of their spiritual death is that they could not bear to see their creator, they knew what they had done, and were ashamed.
Genesis 3:8: “They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden at the time of the evening breeze, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, and said to him ‘where are you?’” Even in their sin, God was seeking them. “When we were dispersed like scattered sheep, and lost in the labyrinth of the world, Christ gathered us together again, that he might bring us back to himself.” (Calvin, The Golden Booklet of the True Christian Life, p. 17)


Moreover, God has continued through all times and places to seek human beings. As is most convincingly clear in the life, teaching, death, and resurrection of Jesus. He declared that this was the main reason for his life: “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10) Jesus’ kind of life, the life that we are all welcomed into as we put our confidence in him, is an interactive, conversational and vibrant life. Daily renewed by us and by God. So perfectly set before us in scripture: Psalm 27:13 “I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living,” and Psalm 90:14: “satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, so that we may rejoice and be glad all our days” and Lamentations 3:22: “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercy never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

The writers of scripture emphasis that each and every day there is interaction with God. The spiritual life that God restores to people is a day to day dynamic relationship. It cannot be reduced to what Dallas Willard calls vampire Christianity that is satisfied with a little bit of Jesus’ blood to cover sin and yet leaves people unchanged. There is no mention of such a thing in scripture. Salvation is a life and salvation is a living, breathing, day to day exchange with God. The evening breeze comes to us and because of Jesus, we are no longer hiding from our God, but we now come out into His light and find that our spirit life has been restored to us. We can enjoy the evening breeze, the morning chill, and the warmth of the noonday sun with our loving God.

Honoring Father

I have spent a good portion of my life not very grateful for my father. Although, I do believe that I forgave him for all of disappointment that he caused me as a young woman. I remember him laying there in the hospital, hooked up to a breathing machine, asking for forgiveness for being a lousy father. At that time, I told him that I was working on it. I was working on it then and am still working on it.

These old photos that I have scanned over the last few months have allowed me to have my father's face a little more accessible then before. Looking at his smile brightens my day. I no longer hold stuff against him. Now, I am working on "honoring" him.

"A long and healthy existence requires that we be grateful to God for who we are, and we cannot be thankful for who we are without being thankful for our parents, through whom our life came. They are part of our identity, and to reject and be angry with them is to reject and be angry with ourselves. To reject ourselves leads to sickness, dissolution, and death, spiritual and physical. We cannot reject ourselves and love God." (Dallas Willard in the Divine Conspiracy)

I see a lot of self rejection in the lives of foster kids that we bring into our home. One moment with one of them, (only under the direction of God) I said to this one: "I know you are not getting along with your parents right now, but they must not be all bad, cause you turned out a pretty cool kid!"

Family connections are so important to our identity. I am thankful for my parents. I honor them and thank God for their giving me my existance. I am blessed!

Perhaps the ultimate goodness of God is shown to us during those moments when we feel most rejected by our families. More than a few times, I have thought about God being a Father to the fatherless. This great promise is there in Psalm 27, v. 10 (NRSV): "If my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up." It is only because of God's goodness to me in this way that, in turn, makes it possible for me to be thankful for and honor my father.

**In the picture, my sister Becky in the center around age 4 and me on the right around age 2. My father enjoyed a half gallon of ice cream with Kellog's 19 and milk poured over the top of them every night before bed. BTW, he also weighed around 100 pounds at 6'3" when he died in 1995.**

Psalm 27 in the Message

Light, space, zest - that's God!
So, with him on my side I'm fearless,
afraid of no one and nothing.

When vandal hordes ride down
ready to eat me alive,
Those bullies and toughs
fall flat on their faces.

When besieged,
I'm calm as a baby.
When all hell breaks loose,
I'm collected and cool.

I'm asking God for one thing,
only one thing:
to live with Him in His house
my whole life long.
I'll contemplate His beauty;
I'll study at his feet.

That's the only quiet, secure place
in a noisy world,
The perfect getaway,
far from the buzz of traffic.

God holds me head and shoulders
above all who try to pull me down.
I'm headed for his place to offer anthems
that will raise the roof!
Already I'm singing God-songs;
I'm making music to God.

Listen, God, I'm calling at the top of my lungs:
"Be good to me! Answer me!"
When my heart whispered, "seek God,"
my whole being replied
"I'm seeking him! Don't hide from me now."

You've always been right there for me;
don't turn your back on me now.
Don't throw me out, don't abandon me;
you've always kept the door open.
My father and mother walked out and left me,
but God took me in.

Point me down your highway, God;
direct me along a well-lighted street;
show my enemies whose side you're on.
Don't throw me to the dogs,
those liars who are out to get me,
filling the air with their threats.

I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness
in the exuberant earth.
Stay with God!
Take heart. Don't quit.
I'll say it again:
Stay with God.

Two Mourning Doves

(picture by Larry Thompson, 2007-2010,

from www.discoverlife.org)

The windows at my house are open a lot nowadays. I enjoy listening for the distinct and beautiful low "woo whoo" of the mourning dove. I cannot recognize any other bird call. To hear the birds, the TV and music have to be turned off. The inner clatter of worries have to be shushed. So much of that stems from worry and not trusting in the One created all the birds and stars and calls each of them by name. Some days I shush the inner clatter and turn off all other sounds but nature. This restores my soul.

In his article "Background Noise," Cornelius Plantinga, Jr. talks about how unsettling silence is in our culture. We insist on taking music to the beach with us. He gives the example of the music between innings at ball games becoming louder. We push out the bird noises because we are uncomfortable with silence. He states (rightly, I think) that silence is the natural context of our lives. "According to Genesis, God breaks the cosmic silence with a creative word, but he does this only during the days. At nightfall and on the Sabbath, God falls silent. Correspondingly, there is for us, the creatures of God, a natural rhythm not only of work and rest, but also of sound and silence."

He goes on to say: "Noisy souls, like boom boxes, drown out the cries of the gulls. It is the quiet soul that can receive the words, the tones, the timbre of another. A stilled soul can listen even to the silence of another." Having been written in 1995, it says "boom box" where today, perhaps i pod or cell phone would be today's equivalent. Yet, the truth remains, the world gets louder and louder. There are more images and decibles shoved at us all the time. Are we even able to see how this can cause "sensory-overload" and "soul-overload?"

Today, I didn't even play i-tunes. I didn't listen to the radio or cds. I enjoyed the music that God provided through the chirping birds and the fish jumping in the lake. Basil, the sweetest dog in the world, also spoke to me. She groans very loudly when she lays down. The other sounds I heard were leaves dropping from trees, the wind blowing the trees, the click of keys on the keyboard, and my own breathing. All of these sounds are gifts like grace.

"To be a faithful creature of God is to learn something of God's rhythm of silence and sound and silence, to respect and trust it, and then to imitate God by speaking and listening from the context that is as old as the world."

WOO WHOO! Can you hear the mourning doves?

Peace

Peace is a condition of the transformed soul. God offers us this condition. We accept it or invite it into our lives in a similar way that we accept grace into our lives when we first believe. These are such good gifts from God. I never again want to live a day or a minute without this "awareness of God's abundant goodness."

On www.biblegateway.com I searched for the word peace. It produced 247 occurrences in the Old and New Testaments. I have been reading them slowly during moments when I have to wait somewhere and have a few minutes to spare. I have committed some to memory and have used others as prayer in the car. I am hoping that as I do this, these scriptures and the reality that they speak of will grow in my mind and heart so that I may increasingly live in the condition of peace.

An interesting things is happening as I have been trying this: I have become more aware of the "armies that encamp against" (Psalm 27:3) my peace. I am more aware of my weak spots. It is pretty obvious that there are a lot of spots where the condition of peace has not been invited.

Among the many scriptures on peace, here are a few that caught my attention.

Psalm 4:8 "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

Psalm 29:11 "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

Psalm 119:165 "Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble."

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

Isaiah 32:17 "The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effects of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever."

Isaiah 54:10 "The the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you."

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

John 20:21 "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you."

Romans 14:17 "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Ephesians 2:17 "He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near."

1 Thessalonians 5:23 "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Jude 1:2 "Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance."

Revelation 1:5 "Grace and peace to you from him who is, and who was, and who is to come, and from the seven spirits before the throne, and from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth."

Happy meditating, my friends!

Three thoughts on transformation

Beautiful calla lilies grow everywhere in the Bay area of California. Having had a failed attemptt at growing these beauties in a pot years back, I was stunned that they cover the place. This is what my friend Laura called the "trinity of calla lilies" in the garden at Mission Santa Clara.

To go along with these three beauties, I am picking three beautiful experiences of transformation from my Institute for Christian Spiritual Formation week retreat.

1. Words, especially God's word, have the ability to wallpaper our mind. Have you ever taken down wallpaper? It is not for light weights or for those who do not have huge motivation to have it done. This is not the kind of job you invite your friends over to help with...it may be worse than asking them to help you move...it is not the way to make and keep friends. Words stick to us and if we are seriously intending to learn the way of Jesus, we will ask for his help in stripping the wall paper of our minds that may include many ugly and even stinky things like shame, self-doubt, or even twisted thoughts about God. Speaking from personal experience, I have very recently allowed such stinky thoughts as "God is punishing me"...."God is forcing me to do this" (among the very stinky wall paper thoughts that had hung in there for most of my life) to be stripped away. These thought are now so far from my mind that I can hardly even retrieve them here to write them. This stripping is all God's doing and it is accomplished by the power of His word. (Yet, you and I do have to be open to it and willing to follow His lead in doing it) His word is what transforms our minds. Now, I like to imagine the wallpaper of my mind being very flowery and with lots of bright colors, maybe even tie-dyed with the beautiful things of God: love, joy, peace, hope, etc...

2. There was an elderly gentleman in the airport talking on a cell phone. From what I can gather, he was talking to a significant other perhaps wife. He talked about the week he had spent with his son and their family. With tears in his eyes and a catch in his throat, he said that his son had not spent more than a few minutes with the rest of the family all week. He then talked about his grandchildren and that spending so much time with them make him "re-think his whole life." The sweet delight of those children seemed to bring this man to openness...perhaps, even transformation, if he so chooses.


3. The "end game" for us and for church is to live everywhere in the power and character of Christ. I look around at the people that gathered with me hearing such fantastic messages and allow my imagination paint a picture of their life outside our two weeks a year together at retreat. I love imagining my friend the architect living in the power and character of Christ as he meets with his clients. I love imagining my friend who stays at home raising a 3 and 1 year old, she is chasing them, praying as she goes, training them in the things of toilets and respect for one another and all the while doing it in the power and character of Christ. I imagine my friend the judge putting on his robe and reciting scripture about being clothed with Christ and know how every single person that stands before him that day will be seen as they are: unceasing spiritual beings with an eternal destiny in God's great universe. I celebrate that I can share this journey in transformation with such beautiful people.

Growing Young by Rich Mullins

I've gone so far from my home
I've seen the world and I have known
So many secrets
I wish now I did not know
'Cause they have crept into my heart
They have left it cold and dark
And bleeding,
Bleeding and falling apart

And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
Well I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And be growing young
Growing young

I've seen silver turn to dross
Seen the very best there ever was
And I'll tell you, it ain't worth what it costs
And I remember my father's house
What I wouldn't give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much

And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
Well I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms

And when I thought that I was all alone
It was your voice I heard calling me back home
And I wonder now Lord
What it was that made me wait so long
And what kept You waiting for me all that time
Was Your love stronger than my foolish pride
Will You take me back now, take me back and let me be Your child

'Cause I've been broken now, I've been saved
I've learned to cry, and I've learned how to pray
And I'm learning